5 Days In

Wow. So so much to catch up on. Luckily I video’d a lot of the trip, so I can go back through and review it. I’m sitting right now in “the big living room” aka “my bedroom” watching the Stevie Nicks documentary “In Your Dreams”. It seemed like Stevie followed me all through my trip, from the album created in this documentary playing in The Labyrinth in Dallas two days before I left, to just singing every Stevie Nicks/ Fleetwood Mac song I had on the road to the little witch shop I visited on Monday in Santa Monica (The Mystic’s Altar, in Santa Monica. You MUST go. It’s wonderful) to Stevie being on in Compatto Yarn Salon today when I went in to buy sock yarn today! So as I’m sitting here blogging instead of working, I thought it was appropriate. I’m wearing a hand knitted by me, fringed shawl that I call my “Stevie shawl”.

The drive is mainly a blur now. The weekend was spent with epic amounts of family time. Two soccer games of biggest’s (oldest little brother), swimming class with littlest, diving practice with biggest, a trip to The Grove for chicory, beignets and Books A Million.

On Monday I drove Dad to LAX then went down to Long Beach and wandered around The Queen Mary. It was absolutely amazing. I got lots of pics and video I will get uploaded soon. It was such an amazing experience. I sat in the Observation Bar for about an hour, just because and waltzed around the Grand Ballroom. Those are my two favorite places on the ship. Somehow I got the Grand Ballroom all to myself. It was just so amazing. On the way home I decided I needed to shop at my first witchy store in LA. The Mystic’s Altar is marvelous. A little bit of everything in their and wonderful, knowledgeable people in the store. I got a couple of novena candles, a rosary just for my car, and a few crystals. Very affordable, too.

Yesterday, I’m not even going to lie, I was pretty sluggish until getting biggest to his play. He did so good! It was called “Miracle in Philadelphia”. His projection was on point!

Oh yes, and we went trick or treating. Biggest and I hit up Sherman Oaks and got SOOOOO much candy. I was a puppy dog and he just wore his soccer uniform. We wracked up.

I will admit, the transition is a bit hard. But it’s getting easier. Getting out and about the city is definitely helping me feel more at home, even just small excursions. I love it here. It’s so cool having all these places to explore and I add more everyday. We have a yoga class at the club just down the hill every Monday, so I plan to start going next week.

I really have to get to work now, but I wanted to check in and at least give a short recap. I’ll try to get detailed posts about the road and my adventures in.

xoxo,

Elena

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The Night Before…

I have so much to share with you guys about the last 5 days. They’ve been a whirlwind of amazing that I can’t even comprehend. Most everything is ready to go, there’s a corner with 3 Joann bags that collected everything I got too tired to find an actual packing place for, my drum (which is serving as my altar tonight as the altar is packed and in the car, my sword, my guitar, two tote bags, my suitcase and over night bag for the trip and there’s small miscellaneous stuff to do in the morning. Pack the dishes in the dishwasher in a box. Get the clothes out of the laundry and put them into the bags, load everything into the car that’s left, Sally and Tut and go. 

I’m stopping to see my Mom and Gramma and deliver Tut to stay with them before hitting the road. I still don’t have my route picked. Everything hurts. I’m hoping aspirin and a good sleep will help. Sally is excited. I’m going to miss my sweet Tit, but I’ll be back to get him. 

I have so many wonderful stories and pictures to share from my last days here. I’ll likely be writing those posts in the hotels at night along the road. It was a magical end to my time in Texas. 

I’m still a little nervous, but mostly just excited to begin this new chapter of my life. Mainly just nervous about getting everything left in the car at this point! I’m just ready to get on the road. 

For now, a little Netflix and sleep before the real journey begins. 

Xoxo, 

Elena  

 

6 Days

I went into beast mode yesterday. I felt this overwhelming compulsion to get everything done. Obviously that didn’t happen, but I did accomplish a lot. My life is so far condensed into four boxes that are going with me, 3 baskets of clothes and a pile of bellydance bras I’m trying to figure out how best to pack. There’s a blanket full of stuff on the floor because I was too tired to re-sort it last night and I want my bed clear. I need to do laundry, but I have no water right now, due to a water pipe explosion last night in my complex. 

The backseat of my car is 80% cleaned out and sorted, now I just need to sort the clothes and shoes in the trunk and that will be done. 2 closets left to sort. Except I’m not really sorting them. It’s all going into storage. It’s either yarn or stuff that reminds me of the past. 

I purged a lot yesterday. If I couldn’t look at it with wanting to cry or hit something, I threw it away. Fabric scraps, a panel belt, nothing important. Just stuff I never want to see again. Some stuff I just had for too long and never threw away. I won’t be looking at much from the two closets as I don’t want to throw any of it away, but don’t want to take it. So into a storage container it goes. 

I didn’t cry yesterday. I thought I would because I’m overly sentimental and get attached to places and things. But no tears yet. I’d say I’m 50% ready to go. I haven’t let anyone help me pack and likely won’t. Move to storage/pack my car, yes. But going through everything is proving cathartic. I expect the drive next week will also be quite cathartic. I hope by the time I reach LA the things I’m leaving behind will be nothing more than a shadow in the rear view mirror. 

I’m looking forward to Halloween with the boys. I don’t know what they’re going as yet. Dad’s out of the country on business this week, and I’m missing him. 

In a few hours I’m going to pick up my office stuff from the hospital and turn in my badge and keys. Then going to dinner with the man I spent my summer with. I’m nervous about it, but I had ordered him a present just before we split and I want hi to have it. I hadn’t talked to him since we broke up and had a dream about him night before last and texted him and we decided to do dinner. I don’t think I’ll date for awhile now. For 5 months I just tried to find someone to fill the loneliness. I succeeded for a couple of months, but then that went away too. I’ll have the boys and Dad in LA. So I won’t be lonely. Also thanks to AHS:Hotel, I won’t be using any online dating whatsoever. Lady Gaga is hot, but I don’t want to get eaten, thanks. 

I think I’ll relax for most of today. My back hurts from all the activity yesterday and I’m just generally tired. Have a new book I’m dying to start. And I know tomorrow I’ll be trying to finish everything, so a mostly resting day in between seems ok. 

My little Tut is happily sleeping. I’m gonna miss this little guy. 

  
Xoxo,

Elena

One Week Out

I’m nervous. Really nervous. I started packing yesterday. Not a lot. Just sorted my books into what I’m taking and storing. Got all the muggle books into one box, which I was quite proud of. My witchy ones will travel in my altar (which is a really cool steamer trunk a good friend gave me). I then got in bed and knitted and watched tv. I have a lot more to accomplish today. 

On Friday morning I gave my verbal resignation to my job and promptly spent the majority of the day asleep. Woke up and started planning the trip. Decided to get there in time to go trick or treating on Halloween with my brothers. This will be the first Halloween I’ll ever spend with them. I decided my departure date will be October 27, though I may take off the afternoon of the 26. We will see how moving my things into storage happens. So far my only planned detour I really want to do is Tombstone, Arizona, but I might just drive straight west. I probably won’t know until I get on the road. 

  
Saturday I went to see Star for my last tattoo before I leave. We had a good time, though it was the most painful tattoo I’ve ever gotten except for the heart on the inside of my left ring finger. Star said she guessed it was only fitting, given its the most painful subject matter I have. A black balloon for the song “Black Balloon” by The Kills. I used to listen to it for hours years ago before I was diagnosed bipolar in a semi catatonic depressed state, just listening to the words over and over. But it got me through. I decided to put a rose inside, because I love roses (in case the name of this blog didn’t give that away) and to remind myself there’s always beauty, even and sometimes especially, in the darkness. ” I open at the close” is from Harry Potter, and is located directly underneath my big scar and on top of 5 small ones. Part of my life was re-opened at the moment that scar was created and now, at the close of my life here, I’m opening to so much good in my future in LA. The semicolon replaced the “I” for suicide prevention/mental health awareness. And of course, the 3 little stars at the end are from each page of every Harry Potter book. Magic surrounds us always. I also got Taco Casa for dinner as I’m going to miss that sweet tea and they didn’t give me jalapeños for my nachos like always. Thanks Obama. 😉

  
Sunday I had pizza and watched AHS:Hotel with two friends, then went out for my going away party with my best friend since college, David. We went to a little restaurant here with a patio so we could smoke, had a couple of beers, then got a 6 pack of Dos Equis and in a throwback to college drank 4 in the car parked in front of the movie theatre, then went in and watched Crimson Peak. It was the first time we’d ever been to a movie theater together! The movie was good, but I hated the end. The ending sucked. We also had hot dogs. Afterwards we came over to my apartment, sat on the patio, smoked, drank more beer and listened to music and talked and watched Californication. It was a wonderful going away party. Some people need lots of people wishing them Bon Voyage, but that was perfect for me. Slept for a really long time yesterday, we got up and went and had “breakfast” just as the sun was preparing to set and then I came home to start packing. 

I’m scared. I won’t lie. I don’t want to leave my cat, or my bed, or my tv, or sweet tea, or Taco Casa, but I know I’ll be so much happier. I’m going to be working with Dad on some business stuff and Sally and I can run around and I can chill with my brothers and go see things and people and take dance classes with so many amazing people and I know the nervousness will go away when I get in the car, close the door and turn on the music and start driving. 

Sorting through clothes and shoes and costumes and 3 miscellaneous boxes must be done today, so I’d better get started. 

Xoxo, 

Elena

The Beginning of the Journey

Yesterday was like most days. Well, it should have been. It had a simple enough plan. Get in early and get through a big meeting at work. Leave work. Maybe stop for a good job to me present. Go over to a friends house to watch the Saints game. Eat pizza. Drive home, cuddle up with my dog, watch a movie, go to sleep. 

Instead yesterday was in the top ten worst days of my life. Work was a disaster. I spent an hour crying in my office over an old Facebook post. I stopped for a “try anything to make myself feel better present” at this great little witchy store in The Colony and spent an hour in there crying and looking at the books and crystals, finally buying myself a bracelet that felt warm when I put it on. Peach diamond shaped stones. I went over to my friends house and had a panic attack and left. I drove the 40 minutes home clutching my rosary, trying not to cry and shaking. In silence. I never drive without music. I knew I had had enough and I knew what I had to do when I got home. After a month and a half downward spiral and five months after the end of my four year relationship I was done. Done looking for my next fix (date. I became a serial dater when my relationship ended. Better than drinking or heroin, I guess. Still not healthy.). Done crying all the time. Done being depressed, done feeling unwanted, done with being alone. I picked up the phone, called my Dad and told him the truth amid a myriad of tears. I’m not ok. I’m not fine. I’m bipolar. I’m depressed. And I need out of an endless cycle of sadness. 

So on October 27, it seems right now, I will be getting into my packed up silver Honda Accord with my dog, Sally, and driving west for around 3 days to Pacific Palisades. I will arrive just in time to go trick or treating with my two little brothers, 6 & 10.  I resigned my position at my job today. I’ll spend the next week and a half sorting and packing what I will take and what will stay here. My bed, TV and a few other items will go into storage. I’ll be spending time with some friends, my cat who will be going to my ex’s when I leave, my beautiful,comfy bed I can’t bring right now and a last visit or two to see my friend and tattoo artist. I will perform in one last bellydance event here in Dallas on October 25. It is the same event I started as a DFW bellydancer at, the same event my bellydance company was created for and it seems only fitting, my last performance as a DFW dancer should be there.  

This is my journey and my adventures from this point on. So right now I’m laying in bed, watching The Skeleton Key (one of my favorite movies), making a list of what to bring, mentally sorting through my stuff and contemplating what I’ll do when I arrive. I know this will be hard. Even though I’ll be living with my family (first time to live with my brothers. First time in 20 years to live with my Dad), I’m leaving everything and everyone I know. But I also believe this will be good. And I will be happy again. 

Xoxo

Elena